Come on, we’ve seen this before, we all know what’s going to happen.
Predicting the Cheltenham Festival from a betting perspective is nigh on impossible for everyone but the shrewdest punters. However, in truth, the Greatest Show On Turf gives us plenty of recurring storylines year on year. Often, it is why we love the game so much.
So, here are my very likely, very unlikely, and completely far-side shouts for everything that will happen at the 2025 Cheltenham Festival.
Tuesday
Willie Mullins’ first string, probably Kopek Des Bordes, maybe Salvator Mundi, wins the Supreme. Willie Mullins’ first string, definitely Majborough, wins the Arkle and Paddy Power announce they are paying out on Ireland winning the Prestbury Cup for another year even though a British horse inevitably wins the Ultima.
The Mares’ Hurdle is next and Jade De Grugy was surely the winner? Well, the thing is, the 2025 Champion Hurdle, with its superstar cast of Constitution Hill, Brighterdaysahead, Lossiemouth and State Man, is simply too good to be true. Therefore, pulling an 11th hour stunt known proverbially as the “Vautour”, Mullins switches not only Lossiemouth to the Mares’, but declares State Man will be supplemented for a second crack at the County Hurdle. Or the Champion Bumper.
Lossiemouth duly hacks up for her second successive Mares’ Hurdle victory, leaving us all smiling through tears of rage. Just like last year, Brighterdaysahead decides to throw a paddy at Cheltenham, leaving us with a Constitution Hill-Winter Fog forecast in the Champion. Nicky Henderson lets the Irish know they can “shove their Arkle up their a***.”
Something absurd wins the Fred Winter at 300/1, while the Racing Post publishes its evening Patrick Mullins column about his attempts to do an Emily Davison in protest of the new rules in the National Hunt Chase. Mullins is ruled out of the rest of the week, much to the delight of those thinking of backing any of Willie’s second strings.
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Wednesday
This was a depressing day for many reasons at the 2024 meeting, so this is obviously the day where little changes compared to the year before. Willie Mullins’ first string, probably Final Demand, maybe Kopek Des Bordes, wins the Turners. No, the Turners Novices’ Hurdle, not the Turners Novices’ Chase, which doesn’t exist anymore. It’s the same race Ballyburn won last year. That’s right, the Gallagher Novices’ Hurdle. Keep up.
Willie Mullins’ first string, almost certainly Ballyburn, but possibly Dancing City, wins the Brown Advisory Novices’ Chase, but Paul Townend endears himself to the half asleep crowd by holding up a flag emblazoned with the words “I still call it the RSA.”
Then it’s time for the star of the week. Langer Dan and Harry Skelton trot onto the track to “I Gotta Get Thru This” by Daniel Bedingfield as Dan Skelton openly weeps in front of the ITV cameras. He finishes 12th in the Coral Cup; unconfirmed reports emerge weeks later that Skelton offers out the entire BHA handicapping team in the Guinness tent later that evening.
Rejoice though, for the Cross Country is back in 2025. Iceo Madrik wins it for France before winning trainer David Cottin suggests, to much guffawing from the press, that “maybe France should enter the Prestbury Cup instead of Great Britain, non?” Paul Nicholls is glowering at him in the background, sort of like the upside down’s version of Dave Yates.
The Queen Mother Champion Chase is finally Jonbon’s time to shine. He dispatches the field with aplomb, Henderson praises Constitution Hill instead, and then two more races happen. Is it the Grand Annual and the Champion Bumper on a Wednesday? Ah, okay. Well in the Bumper, Willie Mullins’ first string…
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Willie Mullins’ first string, almost certainly Maughreen, but possibly Karoline Banbou, looks all over the winner in the Mares’ Novices’ Hurdle, but a British horse nobody even knew was running puts in the performance of her life to land it at exactly 16/1.
Redemption awaits for Mullins though, for the Jack Richards Novices’ Handicap Chase becomes the first ever race of its kind to appear in his trophy cabinet later that day. Willie suffers through an allergic reaction in his post-match interview due to his adversity to handicap chases.
The Pertemps Final is won by a horse who’s been cheating all season, yet still keyboard warriors on X, formerly known as Twitter, decry the winner’s connections and claim that punters never have a chance. Willie Mullins’ first string, probably Fact To File, maybe Gaelic Warrior, then wins the Ryanair Chase, leading the same figures to suggest that racing is bent for letting an odds-on favourite win all the time. This is comfortably the most likely of my predictions to come true.
The Wallpark collars stablemate Teahupoo late on in the Stayers’ Hurdle, leading Gordon Elliott to give the most painstakingly non-committal post-race interview of all time. Joseph O’Brien’s own evaluation of third-placed Home By The Lee’s effort is given at such a pitch that dog owners throughout the country require a new TV before the Friday.
JP McManus cleans up in the Plate and Kim Muir for his own five-timer before purchasing the other two winners within the hour.
Friday
Lulamba and East India Dock fight out the finish of the Triumph Hurdle. ITV then run a 20-minute segment about whether the British are fighting back despite being 16-5 behind in the Prestbury Cup. Mick Fitzgerald still believes Nicky Henderson can make up the deficit on his own.
State Man’s presence in the County Hurdle ensures Absurde can swan up the hill on the bridle under 10st 6lb for his second straight win in the race. Valgrand bursts back to life in second; Dan Skelton believes he can only give his best before a waxing moon and emboldened by the spirit of St Patrick.
Willie Mullins’ first string, almost certainly Dinoblue, but possibly Allegorie De Vassy, wins the Mares’ Chase, but the crowd are too busy singing “Titanium” by David Guetta because Bunting just ran in the County Hurdle. This continues until the Albert Bartlett is won in such a record slow time that the Gold Cup is due off just two minutes later.
Unperturbed, Galopin Des Champs, who just happens to be Willie Mullins’ first string, wins his third straight Gold Cup, beating three rivals at 1/4. If anything, this is the closest any horse has come to emulating something Arkle did.
Almost every jockey is unseated in the Hunter Chase, though not always after a fence. To the tune of “please don’t take me home”, the plunge horse Kopeck De Mee then gets beaten in the Martin Pipe, after which everyone actually really wants to get home as soon as possible. Estimates suggest the last vehicle left the car park at approximately 7pm…on Saturday.
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